


The Remote Fic

by yuzu_squash



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Fluff, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:17:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4116805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuzu_squash/pseuds/yuzu_squash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell is shocked to find he has a new flatmate - Phil Lester. However, Phil isn't just your average guy. He's anything but human. How will Dan deal with this new supernatural Phil? </p><p>Despite the name of the fic, the story is actually just stupidly fluffy. Enjoy! :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Remote Phil

**Author's Note:**

> Whilst the characters are based on real people, this is a work of pure fiction. Phil Lester's soul has not actually been implanted into a TV remote. It is still safely encased in his human body.

Having an identity crisis was not considered abnormal for someone his age, but you see, Daniel Howell was experiencing something beyond what most ordinary teenagers go through. He was experiencing an existential crisis. 

Every day, for the last however long, Dan had gone to his law lectures at university only to come home, bored to death by all the legal jargon, and play video games until three or four in the morning. He felt confident that if he bothered to sit down and seriously tackle his university exam prep, he would actually pass, perhaps even top his course, but the lure of his Playstation was too strong. Explore the world of mortgage law and real estate transactions or explore a mythical world as a playful purple dragon? The answer seemed obvious to Dan and to him anyone who chose the former option was simply lying to themselves. 

Dan’s dedication to Spyro, his new winged-friend, demanded his time, much like all his other games, and after months of game-play, Dan realized he didn't have any exciting goals or big-picture purpose in his now seemingly very short existence. Having felt suffocated within the confines of the university walls, he decided it was time to spread his wings like Spyro, and seek some modicum of freedom in his otherwise oppressive life. 

What he needed was change, and it was thus that Dan found himself renting a tiny semi-furnished flat in Manchester. The living room of his newly acquired flat contained the greatest number of houseplants Dan had ever seen collected in his life. He seriously questioned whether the flat-owner was as strange as his large collection of houseplants implied. 

Dan felt a flicker of inspiration thanks to his new home. It was a new beginning, a place all of his own. Given his recent ambivalence towards his studies, he had elected to defer his degree for a year. Now, he had all the time in the world to think about his life… Oh god, he had all the time in the world to think about his life. Why had he thought this would be a good thing? As of late, his inner monologues had gone from 'what am I doing with my life?' to 'why am I even alive? I'm not even contributing to society. I'm such a lump!' 

Yes, it was clear to him that his brain was filled to the brim with negative thoughts, thoughts that continued to seep in, constantly making him feel drained and even less like socializing. Spending time with people, especially self-driven people with defined goals, pretty much made him want to projectile vomit and never leave the house again.

Dan flopped down onto his sofa and groaned loudly. Moving in hadn’t taken all that much time, honestly, but he was ready to veg out. With this thought in mind, he grabbed the remote control from the coffee table and turned on the television. An image of Delia Smith, BBC goddess and cooking extraordinaire, popped up on the screen and he immediately felt himself salivating; she was turning grilled lemon chicken kebabs over on a grill.

Dan heard his tummy grumble loudly. 

"Oh shush," he scolded. "I have no time for you right now. Delia is on."

Dan settled into the sofa and happily let Delia take control of his mind for a while. Before meeting Delia, Dan's life had consisted mainly of Shreddies cereal and the odd sandwich, but now he could make some pretty mean dishes with tinned minced beef and onions. When a commerical came on, Dan flipped through the channels to see what else he could watch after Delia's show.

A man playing cricket appeared.

Nope. 

A documentary about Australia's top 10 dangerous creatures. 

Hmm, yes, this has potential. 

A show about houseplants. 

Nope nope nopeity nope. 

A show about puppies and how to take care of them. 

Hmmmm, perhaps not, the dangerous creatures one looked better. 

"Hey, let's stick with this one. I mean, look how cute those puppies are."

Dan dropped the remote and it hit the ground with a loud clatter. 

What the hell was that? Or more accurately, who the hell had just spoken?

Dan launched himself to his feet, looking frantically around the room. His eyes darted from one potential hiding spot to the next, but there was nobody there. Instead, he found himself being silently mocked by more than a dozen houseplants. Maybe he was just losing his mind…

Nodding to himself, Dan picked up the remote from the ground and went to change back to Delia's channel. He pressed the button, but nothing happened. Adorable golden retriever puppies continued to frolic playfully on the screen.

"Fucking hell, don't tell me I broke it," he swore loudly. He took off the back cover and inspected the batteries, but they were all still firmly in place… maybe he needed to replace them.

"Look how fluffy they are. Don't you just want to rub your face on them?"

This time Dan screamed. A loud piercing, almost girlish scream.

"Jesuschrist! Don’t do that! You scared me! There's no need to scream," the voice admonished.

"Okay, where the hell are you?" Dan demanded angrily swinging the remote around like a knife. "I have a weapon and I am fully prepared to use it!" 

"I wouldn't exactly call it a weapon," the voice retorted. 

"In my hands, it is," Dan hissed. "Now stop trying to distract me, and show yourself!" 

Dan backed up against the wall and continued searching every little crevice of the room. Maybe the fucker was in the corridor… but he sounded too close for that. No, he was definitely in the living room. Somewhere proximate.

"I'm afraid I'm not my usual self today. I don't think you'd appreciate the new look I'm rocking." 

Dan paused at that. "Are you… disfigured in some way?" he asked tentatively. Perhaps he was being a little too direct, but curiosity got the better of him.

"No!" the voice protested, shrilly, "I am not disfigured… I'm just not exactly human."

Dan's eyes widened comically. "Oh fuck…! Are you a ghost?" 

The room went eerily silent and for a moment Dan could only hear the erratic rhythm of his breathing. He felt like he was experiencing a particularly bad case of stress-induced cardiomyopathy – oh god, maybe he was having a stroke. His irrational fear of the supernatural was no longer irrational.

"I’m not entirely sure, but I… I think I died," the voice finally replied sadly. "I guess my soul was looking for someone or something to attach itself to." 

"Well, don't look at me," Dan yelled. "I’m already occupied! And besides… I'm reeeeally unfit. You wouldn't want me anyway. I'd be a terrible choice for a new body," he explained nervously.

"Look I'm not going to insert myself into you… I mean, ugh, not insert—attach, ATTACH! I am not going to attach my soul to you," the voice rambled. "I've already become attached to something." 

"You have?" Dan asked weakly. 

"Yes.” There was a pause. “…I'm in your hands."

Dan screamed and flung the remote control across the room. It violently bounced off one of the houseplants and came flying back towards him, causing Dan to let out another blood curdling scream. He dived to the right, almost colliding with another houseplant. 

"Bloody houseplants," he cursed. The owner was a real twat. 

Dan looked across the room at the remote now lying face down on the ground in front of the sofa. It was suspiciously quiet and for reasons other than fear, this unnerved Dan.

"Don't tell me I've defeated you already," he scoffed. "Surely ghosts are more hardy than that." 

When Dan was met with further silence, he slowly edged closer to the sofa. "I mean… you didn't even hit it thaaat hard. It was more like a light 'ping', really." 

As Dan found himself getting closer and closer, he heard a soft whimper escape from the remote and he unconsciously reached out and picked it up. "Ohshitareyouokay?" 

The whimpering grew slightly louder and gradually evolved into loud, uncontrollable sobbing. 

"No! No, I am NOT okay! I'm dead! Finished! Muerto! My life is over. I never got to say goodbye to my family and friends. I never got to say goodbye to my Youtube subscribers. I never got to own a hamster. Or a dog. Or a fish!"

Dan could feel the remote trembling in his hands and he patted it awkwardly. "Oh god… I'm sorry," he mumbled. "Look, I'm sorry for throwing you earlier. I mean, shit, I was scared. It's not everyday one experiences a supernatural phenomenon." 

The remote nudged his hand, almost as if it was nodding in agreement. 

"And your life isn't over. Um, your human body may no longer exist, but now you have a brand new bitchin’ body. I mean… you don't have to go to the toilet anymore. And you'll never get sick. Those are pretty big pluses," Dan rambled on.

The remote didn't reply and Dan had the sinking feeling he had offended the little guy even more. God, he could be such a dick sometimes. 

"I guess you're right," it finally said quietly. "I really hate catching colds, so I suppose that's a bonus." 

"Amen, brother! Sniffly noses are the worst," Dan said going to high-five the remote, but then awkwardly patting it with his right-index finger instead. 

"And I’ll never die from some kind of ultra disease." 

"Um… yup, that's true. You are ultra-disease-free," Dan hesitantly agreed with his logic. 

The remote sighed and then nudged Dan's thumb. "Thanks… you know, for making a remote feel better."

"I try," Dan said grinning sheepishly. "So my little remote buddy, what should I call you?" 

"Phil. My name is Phil." 

"I was thinking of Remoto or Slender Remote," Dan pondered aloud, pretending to have not heard him. 

"Philllllll. My name is Philllllllllllllll," it shouted at Dan causing him to erupt with laughter.

"Okay, okay," Dan said gasping for breath. "It's nice to meet you Phil. My name is Dan. Daniel Howell."

"Nice to meet you Daniel."


	2. His Secret Shame

Dan was terrified of many things. Even though he knew there was no reason he should logically be afraid, there were times when his terror knew no bounds. 

That being said, if a man broke into his apartment and started waving a gun around, he would be less scared than if, let’s say, the tiny Asian girl from The Ring crawled out of his television. The gun-wielding man had nothing on the tiny Asian girl.

Dan understood that break-ins were a thing that happened, but he could always try to tackle the gun-weilding man to the ground. However, for the tiny Asian girl, there would be no tackling. Before he could even blink, she would simply melt his body into a big gooey mess. The last thing he ever did would have been to look into her giant eye of doom as it popped out from beneath her veil of black hair. 

…The supernatural did horrible things to Dan’s imagination, which is why he found his newly blossoming friendship with Phil all the more startling. Then again, Phil didn’t seem in the least bit threatening. If anything, he was… adorable.

Dan was getting so accustomed to listening to Phil’s waffly commentary when he watched movies or played video games that he realized he hadn’t bothered to contact any of his friends in weeks. All of his social interaction had been limited to himself and a remote control. 

A part of him worried about this new turn his social life was taking, but a much larger part of him threw caution to the wind and went along with the insanity. His newfound Phil bubble was rudely popped, however, by the announcement of a guest.

“We’re having a guest?” Phil asked, quivering excitedly in Dan’s hand.

“Yup, but it’s too early to get excited. Firstly, I’ve never met her before and, secondly, she’s apparently the mother of the former tenant. He left a few things here she needs to collect. God knows why he didn’t come himself,” Dan wondered aloud. “Perhaps she’ll take some of these bloody houseplants with her.”

Phil was uncustomarily silent for a moment and Dan feared that Phil had developed an unhealthy attachment to the stupid green things. “His m-m-m-mother is coming?” he finally asked, stuttering as he did. “To collect stuff?”

“Yeah, she said she’d pop over at about half one,” Dan responded with confusion, eyeing his friend. Phil was acting weird. Well, weirder than normal, and that was saying something.

“Oh no, Dan! WHATTIMEISIT?” Phil asked frantically. 

Dan stared at Phil with a puzzled look and then glanced down at his watch. 

“Um, it’s noon,” he replied slowly. 

“Ohno, ohno, ohnooooooo…! Dan! What exactly is she coming to collect?”

“Um… some stuff her son left in the hallway cupboard… and there’s a bunch of stuff the landlord shoved into boxes. Erm, Phil, what’s with all the questions?”

Phil made a loud keening noise like a dying pterodactyl. “OH GOwwwD, she’s going to find _it_ ,” he wailed.

“Find what?” Dan asked, baffled. 

At first, Dan had thought Phil was just being his usually inquisitive self. Now, it seemed like there was something more to his sudden, flurry of questions. Dan felt his eyebrows furrow, as he considered their conversation.

_What on earth was going on?_

“Okay, Dan, listen _very_ carefully. I need you to look through those boxes. I need you to find something for me, okay?”

Dan’s mouth fell open. “What? Have you lost your mind? I can’t do that! I can’t just go through people’s things.”

“Yes, you can; she’ll never know,” Phil said dismissively. “Just a quick rummage and she’ll be none the wiser.”

“No, Phil, just no. That would be so wrong. I mean, what are we even looking for?”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. A ‘pregnant pause,’ as Dan liked to say, before Phil finally replied. “A dress… a red one. I think it’s some kind of party dress.”

If it were possible for someone’s jaw to hit the ground, Dan’s jaw would have left a giant gaping hole in the apartment floor. “Phil…how in God’s name do you know that there’s a red dress in one of those boxes?” he asked warily. “Have you been looking through those boxes? Wait, what am I saying? You don’t even have any legs or arms. Oh Jesus Christ…”

“No, of course not. I just…well, you see...”

“Yes?” Dan asked impatiently. 

“The dress belongs to me,” Phil blurted out. 

“What? WHAT? What on earth is going on here? The dress belongs to you? Why would it belong to _you_?” Dan asked. He was now way beyond confused. It felt like he had entered some sort of alternate reality where his life was just one giant prank. Phil had to be trolling him. 

“I was meaning to tell you, Dan. I really was, but I didn’t want to freak you out. I mean, freak you out _even_ more. I know how much you hate the supernatural and me being a remote control is already mind-blowing as it is,” Phil babbled nervously. “But this apartment… usedtobelongtome,” he blurted out. 

Dan gaped at Phil, his mouth opening and closing like a Magikarp struggling for air. Suddenly everthing made sense. Why hadn’t Dan noticed it earlier? It was so obvious now. Phil’s ‘recommendations’ for getting things to work in the apartment were not in fact a product of good luck, but were merely a result of him having lived here before. Luck played no part, and Dan was seriously starting to question whether it existed at all. 

“So you were the previous tenant?” Dan asked, placing Phil on the coffee table. He was a pacer, and if he couldn’t be curled-up in a ball rocking back and forth, he REALLY needed to be in full pacing-mode right now. 

“Yes… that is before I died,” Phil added. 

“And it is in fact _your_ mum that is coming over right now?” 

“Yes, that is correct.”

“And you want me to go through your stuff and locate a red dress? Before she finds it first, I assume.” 

“Yes, you assume correctly,” Phil confirmed. 

“Phil,” Dan said pausing for thought. “Are you into drag?” 

“What? No, no, nooo!” Phil quickly denied. “I like man-clothes. I mean can you imagine me in a dress? I just don’t have the figure for it. I’d look like some kind of menacing giraffe in a frilly… cloth… thingy.” 

Dan lowered his face into his left-hand and made a loud and exaggerated groaning noise. 

“It’s belongs to my mum, Daniel. I borrowed it as part of a dare, but I ended up ripping one of the side-seams. Apparently it’s not very Phil-friendly,” he explained sadly. “My mum loves that dress. I was trying to fix it for her before… well, before I died.” 

Dan heard the sadness in Phil’s voice and he suddenly felt very uncomfortable. In the short time Dan had known him, Phil rarely had expressed any emotion other than ‘insanely happy’ or ‘too adorable,’ so for Dan to see him miserable like this, made him want to do anything to ensure that Phil was a bloody rainbow again. He grabbed Phil off the coffee table and started marching towards the stack of boxes in the spare room. 

“Thank you, Dan. I owe you big time,” Phil said, letting out a sigh of relief. “That dress is my secret shame.” 

“I still think the whole ‘dare’ thing is a lie. Just admit that you like wearing the odd frock,” Dan said with a cheeky grin. 

“Nooo, it’s true,” Phil said sulkily, causing Dan to chuckle. 

“But Phil, would it really be such a big deal if she did find it?” 

“I just don’t know what she’d make of it… like you, she might think I was leading a secret life as a drag queen, and whilst I think drag queens are amazing and magical, my mum and I would talk to each other about everything. She’d be really upset if I’d kept a secret like that… or she might think that I secretly hated her and enjoyed destroying her clothes seam by seam!”

“Uh Phil, I seriously doubt she’d think you hated her, especially if you guys were that close,” Dan said sceptically. 

“Well, regardless, she loves that dress… I just don’t want her to see it. I don’t want to make her sad,” he replied morosely. 

Dan nodded his head and bent down to open the box nearest to him. He could understand Phil not wanting his mother’s last impression of him to be ‘Phil - the destroyer of favorite dresses.’ She wouldn’t even be able to lecture him in the aftermath. If anything, she’d be reminded of how adorably clumsy he was and burst into tears. 

Dan used a pocket knife to cut the tape on the box. He pried the flaps open and immediately came face-to-face with the largest collection of curious objects he had ever seen in his life. He was almost afraid to touch anything lest they break apart in his giant man hands. 

“Oh my god, Phil. You have the complete set of Buffy DVDs,” Dan said in amazement. “And jesuschrisssst… is this a Buffy figurine? Holy crap it comes with a dumpster to put her on. Amaaazing.” 

“Pretty sweet, right? I really hope my mum doesn’t sell that. I also have a signed Buffy com—”

Dan’s eyes fell upon a leather-bound book next to the DVDs and Phil’s waffling became muffled in the wake of what lay before him. The letters P.L. were engraved into the leather cover, and he could tell from the bulky thickness of the book that it was a photo album. It was Phil’s photo album. There would literally be real _human_ photos of his remote control friend. Dan had never seen a picture of IRL Phil before. 

Feeling that Phil might not exactly enjoy looking at photos from his former life, Dan decided to adopt a ninja-like approach and covertly look through the album within the limited space of the box. He gently flipped open the cover. The first photo he saw was a picture of a small blonde, blue-eyed child with his mouth wide-open; a whole chip in his mouth. Dan would have normally laughed at such a ridiculous photo, but instead his eyes simply drank in all the details. 

Phil Lester was not a figure of his unbalanced, sleep-deprived imagination, but had actually existed in this universe. And he had been adorable. Sure, it looked like his mother had taken a knife to his hair and hacked away at it until reaching the various ‘lengths’ she desired, but Phil was very much how Dan had imagined him to be. Dan continued to flip through the photos and sat in awe of Phil’s very discernible physical transformation. 

Like Dan, Phil had grown his fringe until it neatly hugged the right side of his face like a koala. He had adopted a very emo look for the duration of his teenage years; black hair had made a startling entrance onto the Phil scene and became a permanent feature of Phil Lester. Dan couldn’t help but grin warmly at how long his deathly black hair had gotten at one point. 

As Dan continued to look through photos of Phil’s family and friends, he was suddenly reminded of how short Phil’s life had been. Although Dan had no idea how Phil had died, and either did Phil for that matter, Phil’s life had just suddenly ended. His warm and happy existence no longer existed, and everything he had achieved until that point was simply a memory now in those who were fortunate enough to have known him. Whilst Dan had always been aware of how fleeting the human life span was, Phil’s death struck at a cord. Life was ephemeral and not to rehash very overplayed life mottos, but You do Only Live Once. So what exactly was Dan doing with his life?

“Dan, are you okay?”

Dan looked up from the box startled. He had completely forgotten that he was supposed to be helping Phil look for his mother’s dress. 

“Um, yeah,” he said distractedly. “Let me try a different box.”

Ten minutes later Dan pulled out a long red dress, a pearl necklace and a black bra from one of the boxes. 

“Really Phil, a bra?” Dan asked incredulously, holding up the offending object in question. 

“Yes, you found it! Oh thank God,” Phil exclaimed with relief, completely ignoring Dan’s question. Dan had a feeling that Phil was more worried about his mother discovering her bra in her son’s apartment than her spoiled party frock. 

“I owe you big time, Daniel,” Phil said with sincerity. “I’ll pay you back somehow.” 

“Uh-huh,” Dan said in agreement, but his raised eyebrow and look of utter disbelief suggested otherwise. 

“Nooo, I will! Phil Lester is a man of his word. Lester promises are solid and sturdy. Just like a brick wall.”

Although Dan struggled to accept the notion of an immobile TV remote returning a favor, a part of him honestly believed that remote-Phil would pay him back somehow. Perhaps even more than Dan could imagine.


	3. The Blind Date

Phil loved wearing bright colours. When he was a human, his closet was filled to the brim with animal and food themed clothing, and his collection of Christmas themed sweaters put Christmas sweater wearing families to shame. So it was somewhat disappointing for Phil when he realized that Dan’s clothing colour of choice was restricted to the far left of the colour spectrum. He supposed black was sort of artistic… but nothing could beat a bit of purple. Despite Phil’s fashion advice, Dan continued to wear his usual black slim fit jeans and black t-shirts, leaving Phil desperately missing his human body and collection of brightly coloured tops. 

“How do I look?” Dan asked Phil nervously. 

Phil dragged his eyes away from the television to glance at Dan and what he saw blew his mind away. Dan stood awkwardly in the doorway of their living room wearing a light blue button down shirt, a dark blue formal jacket and his usual pair of black jeans. 

“Is it too much? I look stupid, don’t I?”

“No, no, no,” Phil said quickly, attempting to ease him. “You look… amazing actually.”

Dan beamed at Phil, a small blush making its way onto his normally very pale cheeks. “Hopefully she won’t reject me on sight then.”

Phil looked at Dan with confusion. “She?”

“Yeah, I have a… date tonight,” Dan explained. “Apparently my mum thinks I need to meet a nice girl, so she set me up with one of her friend’s daughters.”

“And you agreed to this?” Phil asked tentatively. 

“No, of course not, Phil, don’t be daft. Being the crafty woman that she is, my mum arranged everything behind my bloody back. I tried to back out, but she kept on harping on about ‘disappointing her friend’. God, she’s so scheeeeming,” Dan grumbled. 

“Maybe the girl will be nice,” Phil said objectively, trying to inject some positive vibes into Dan’s dejected mood. 

“Well, Phillester, you can judge her for yourself. She’s coming over in 30 minutes.”

Phil sat on their coffee table in shocked silence. He hadn’t seen a human being other than Dan in weeks. He felt excited at the prospect of seeing another guest, but he also felt uneasy. His chest felt heavy, like he’d eaten too much Mexican food and was undergoing an exceptionally bad case of heartburn. He knew that Dan getting out of the apartment and spending time with people other than Phil was a good thing, but he still felt uncomfortable nonetheless. Was he envious of Dan’s ability to socialize with other people? Or was he just jealous of someone else spending time with Dan? Without realizing it, Phil had monopolized all of Dan’s time and attention for the last 2 months. Dan was _his_ friend…

Just as Phil was reprimanding himself for being Dan-greedy, the doorbell rang and Dan sprinted out of his bedroom. 

“Oh God, she’s early,” Dan said frantically. “I still haven’t done my hair. Crap, crap, crap.” 

Phil watched Dan dash out of the living room before returning seconds later to grab Phil. 

“Um, Dan, what are you doing?” Phil squeaked from within Dan’s grasp. 

“I need emotional support, Phil. She could be an axe-wielding lunatic. She could look like bloody Slender Man for God’s sake! Or a tree at night! Oh Goddd, why did I agree to this?” Dan mumbled to himself as he approached the entrance to their apartment. Phil heard Dan take a deep breath before unlocking the door.

In front of them stood a tall girl with long dirty blonde hair. She was wearing tight black jeans and a strappy crop top covered in silver sequins. Although her outfit was a serious throwback to the 90s, Phil had to admit that she was quite pretty.

“You must be Daniel Howell,” the girl said, stepping forward and leaning in for a hug, which Phil thought was a bit cheeky for a first encounter. Dan went to return her affectionate greeting, but rather than pulling her in for a quick squeeze, he roughly bumped shoulders with her and patted her awkwardly on the back. Daniel Howell _never_ failed to leave an excellent first impression. 

“And you must be Sarah. It’s nice to meet you.”

“And it’s _verrry_ nice to meet you,” she purred softly. Phil flinched as Sarah’s eyes began to slowly travel down Dan’s body in a highly blatant fashion. 

“I still haven’t tackled my hair yet, so is it okay if you wait in the living room for a bit?” Dan asked completely oblivious to Sarah’s full-body inspection. 

“Sure, no problem. I thought it looked a little messy,” she replied offhandedly. Phil balked at her comment. _The nerve of her!_ The girl was clearly a slug in human form. If anything, she was queen of the slugs! 

Dan led her into the living room and placed Phil back down on the coffee table. “The kitchen is over there. Feel free to grab a drink and make yourself at home.”

Dan returned to his bedroom, leaving Phil alone with the slug. He glared at her angrily from the coffee table. For a moment, Phil wondered if he was simply overreacting due to a serious case of the jellies; he could be incredibly possessive when it came to his friends. That moment of self-doubt, however, was quashed almost as soon as it popped into his head. _The slug had insulted Dan’s hair!_

Not too long after Dan had left the room, Sarah quickly made her way over to Dan’s DVD collection and started looking through the titles. She paused over Dan’s newly purchased season 1 DVD of Buffy; a purchase made at Phil’s recommendation. “Hmm, I definitely need to work on his taste in TV shows,” she muttered to herself. 

_Needs to work on his taste in TV shows??_

Sarah then walked over to the coffee table and stood directly in front of Phil. _Oh no, did she hear me? But wait… I didn’t say that aloud… or did I?_ Whilst Phil was questioning whether he had the ability to mind-meld with humans, Sarah bent down and reached out towards him. Phil let out a silent scream. 

Sarah’s hand by-passed Phil and went to open the drawer underneath the coffee table top. Phil let out a silent sigh of relief upon realizing he wasn’t about to be inappropriately fondled by Her Majesty the Slug, but his sense of relief immediately turned to confusion and then horror as he witnessed Sarah rifling through the contents of Dan’s drawer. Whenever Phil had guests over, he expected a certain level of snooping to be done, but this was _waaay_ beyond the level that most people deemed acceptable. Blimey, she was looking through his schedule for goodnessake! 

As Phil heard footsteps through the corridor leading to the living room, Sarah hastily shoved the schedule back into the drawer and stood up. 

“I’m sorry to have kept you waiting,” Dan said apologetically. “Having hobbit hair can be a curse.”

“Hmm, but it looks hot now,” she said reaching out to run her fingers through his fringe. Phil dry-retched. He literally dry-retched. If he had a human stomach, he would have projectile vomited dry cereal all over the living room floor. Dan abhorred people touching his hair and potentially messing it up, but to Phil’s surprise, he was actually letting her playfully comb his fringe with her slug extensions. Was Dan enjoying her horrible attempt at flirtation? 

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled shyly. “Um, shall we go now? I know this great Chinese place. They serve amazing pork dumplings.”

Sarah nodded and slid her arm around Dan’s. Without realizing it, Phil had thrown himself off the coffee table and landed on the floor with a loud clatter. Dan looked at him with surprise. 

Dan gently removed Sarah’s arm and bent down to pick Phil up. In that moment Phil took the opportunity to communicate with him. “Take me with you,” he hissed at Dan. 

“What? You know I can’t do that,” Dan whispered back. 

“Daniel, pleeeassse. Just trust me on this one.”

“No Phil. I can’t bring a friggin remote with me on a date. She probably already thinks I’m a weirdo. Just stay here. I’ll be back soon,” Dan murmured softly. Dan began to stand up to leave and out of sheer panic Phil squawked loudly in his best imitation of a macaw. Phil hadn’t intended to draw attention to his remote-self this evening, but he was getting desperate now. He couldn’t leave Dan alone with the slug! 

Dan immediately shoved Phil into his jacket pocket and quickly turned around to face Sarah. He laughed nervously and patted his stomach. “Wowza, I must be reallly hungry. I can’t wait to chow down on those dumplings!”

Phil felt bad for putting Dan on the spot, but this girl was clearly batty. He figured that his presence was absolutely imperative this evening. Phil made a silent vow to himself. He would save Dan from the slug queen.


End file.
